What REALLY Happened
by lydielupin
Summary: A funny story written late at night. Super AU and Crack!fic. Tons of inside jokes and oddness. Lots of OC... good for a laugh.


Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or 300 :)

and once again i'm sorry for the odd weirdness and inside jokes ---

Lady Lydia, Mathias, and Kady Gaga, we're walking through the enchanted forest of gumdrops when they came upon a girl named Paego. She jumped into the group, shouting, whispering,

"CAN I JOIN this party...?"

"Why," LL began,

"Yes," Kady Gaga continued,

"You most certainly can." Mathias finished.

"I DUNNO IF I want to now... but okay!" Paego answered.  
they skipped down the mellow brick road towards a castle.  
It was green, and they decided all of a sudden, that there's no place like home. And that the castle would surely help them out in this area.

"FULL SPEED ahead" Paego whisper yelled.

They miraculously made it in seconds, to the gates of the castle.  
A dark hooded figure breathed a deathly breath near them.

"OH HELLO I didn't see you there..." Paego shout whispered. "I SURE HOPE YOU'RE NOT going to kill us..." The... hooded figure was confused.

"OH FUCK ITS A DEMENTOR!" Kady Gaga screamed, no whisper involved.

"If it was a dementor, we'd all be cold, our souls being sucked out right now. Get your facts straight, Kady Gaga, youre an expert in skanky hermaph-ro-nione ness. Not Harry Potter." Lady Lydia pointed out.

"I'm not a hermaphro-night. Just a Hermione."

"What?"

"YOURE SO right..." Paego could hardly contain herself.

"ACTUALLY, you're all rude! Sorry dark figure, what is your name?" Mathias stretched out his hand to shake what he hoped was human fingers.

"Rollin. I'm here to SAVE YOU!"

"Wait. We don't need saving, we need home. theres no place, like it, yiggity." Kady Gaga said in her revealing outfit. "And... why AM I such a skank?"

"Maybe she's born with it. Maybe SHES KAAAADY GAGA" Lady sang.

"Im changing my name. RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW. For now on, I'm Hermione."

"Thats TAKEN." Rollin spoke. "TRY AGAIN."

"Oh. Okay, ummm.. well.. oh how about, K.K...K? KKK! I LOVE IT!"

"....No." Lady said sharply.

"WHY!!!!?"

"Because. They kill black people."

"Oh man. I don't want to kill my own kind." No name said gasping.

"I dub thee," Mathias began, "Kate."

"....No." No name said. "That's gay."

Mathias looked hurt. "how about, Mcgonagal?"

"WHERE ARE YOU coming up with this stuff?" Paego asked?!

"My butt is sore." Nameless said. "its because of that stupid hardwood chair I'm sitting on when Lady Lydia steals the comfy one when we write random stories."

"......YOU DON'T MAKE any sense..." Paego whisper...yelled.

Rollin interupted. "I can tell now, that you 4 are extrodinary people, who belong in a fine establishment such as this."

"SERIOUSLY. I NEED SOME CLOTHES. I FEEL LIKE A WHORE." Nameless straight up yelled.

"Pipe down. Here have this." The mysterious figure through his cloak to Nameless. He had blonde locks and the body of a spartan king.

"THIS IS! madness."

"THIS IS SPARTA!!!! oh wait.... I relocated.... this is HOGWARTS! NOW FOLLOW ME!"

They passed many people in the hallway, one had white-blonde hair and dark eyebrows. Lady Lydia glanced at him, and began to drool as he sang "IF THATS AIIGHT WITH YOU, I HOLD YOU IN MY ARMS LIKE YOU WAS A GUITARRR" Then he took his wand out, and cursed a boy with black hair and lightening bolt scar. "AVACADO!"

"Oh bloody hell! You're so rude! I'm gonna tell Lupin on you!" as avavados streamed out the boys nose.

"Oh bloody fuck, I meant something else.... oh well bloody." he stalked off grabbing a crab tree and a gargoyle on the way.

Meanwhile, the little boy ran off so bloody fast, all you could bloody see was the bloody black spikes of his bloody hair. and the bloody avacados coming out of his bloody nose. NO REALLY his nose was bleeding. Avacado can really get to the nasal cavaites.

"Oh what a poor misfortune," Rollin sighed. "Poor little Potter. I used to be friends with that kid before I decided that I am too mysterious to have friends. Or too gay. WHAT?!"

"WHAAtt?!!" Paego screamed quietly.

"Nothing, just a bloody joke..." Rollin recovered. "Come with me."

They entered a hallway, and climbed a spiral staircase.  
At the top, Rollin SCREAMED INTO THE DOORJAM,

"DOVE CHOCOLATE! I mean... yo sir, dude, sir, bloody, freaking, dove chocolate, sirr"  
in a heavy british accent.

The group of weirdos exchanged odd glances.

"Dumble D is feeling a little old these days, and decided to "change it up" and only allows cool lingo. Its his mid life crisis. He's only like, a hundred and fifty these days."

"Man, dude, thats how old I am." Mathias said.

"Wrong. minus about, oh, 147 years, Mathias." Nameless punched his shoulder.

"Ow, .... oh thanks.... Name, person, yeah, I really apprieciate it!  
You're so right I am 17!"

"Uhh..." Lady leaned to Nameless. "Isnt the correct sum 3?"

"Yeah, so I'm basically calling him a baby, but he's got a problem with knowing what comes after two, and also likes to think he's not as young and fresh as he really is. He'd prefer to be soph. Not fresh." Nameless explained.

"OH WELL I ALREADY lost intrest. LIKE HALF an hour ago." Guess who, said.

"Dude, ruin the moment. I was just dubbed 17." Mathias said proudly.

Dumble D interrupted by opening the door.

"Yo yoggity, young peepsies, I totally seen you fresh mothers and fathers strolling up those stairs. I was like, dang, check out those rad shoes, and stuff." Dumble D grinned at the group.

"Yeah... sir... ummm" Rollin glanced at the group.

"Sir, Hello, nice to meet you." Mathias said.

"Oh dude, I'm sorry, but i didn't quite get that... your mum." Dumble D rapped.

"You have to be... hood... to speak to the D." Rollin whispered.

"Uhh.... D, sup D, nice to pwn your noobies." Mathias said, gesturing gangsterly.

"DUDE! You too, man!" D said.

"REPRESENT yo..." Paego said, breakdancing.

"JUST DANCE, GONNA BE OKAY, DA DA DA DOO JUST DANCE PLAY THAT RECORD BABE! DA DA DA DOOO JUST DANCE." Nameless tried.

"No." Lady said. "No dancing. Infact, Paego, quit that."

"SORRY lady..."

"So, dude, dude," Lady began carefully. "Dude headmaster man, we got some wishes to be granted up in this joint." She said, as Nameless reached over and drew a tear drop on her face.

"That's for the spider you stomped on earlier." Name whispered.

"WOAH! MAN! YOU! ARE! THE COOLEST! GANGSTA! SO HOOD! EPIC!" D rapped.

"Word." Lady crossed her arms.

Then they all hesitated to note what D was wearing. It was a long cloak, purple infact, bandana patterned, gotta represent. His high heeled boots had all the signs of an early skateboarder. His sunglasses were out of place, it being bright daylight, but then again, a stoner as headmaster was out of place too. GETTING HIGH OFF LEMON DROPS!!!!!!!!

"So, my little Waynes, what are your wishes?"

"Well dude, Paego needs some normal vocal chords."

"I REALLY do. I HAVE TO SCREAM the beginning of all my sentences. AND WHISPER the rest. I'M IN A STATE OF PERPETUAL excitedness. AND THE LAST HALF OF ME IS ALWAYS in a library."

D considered.

"Next, Nameless, would really appreciate a name. And some clothes."

D thought on this, too.

"And Mathias would really like some perfect-ness. Being able to know how to surprise people and know that he's way too good to people."

D flashed his grill.

"And I... I really don't know what I want."

Just then, Snape walked in dragging Draco at his side.

"Yo D..." Snape said with a scowl on his face. "Uhh.... Aiiight, I caught this here thug in the hallway being a punk and sangin."

D glanced over.

"THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT ISSSSSSSS" Draco sang. He looked at Lady.

"I THINK I KNOW WHAT I WANT." Lady said all too quickly. "Erm. I want that fine motherthugger over there!" Pointing at the Blonde sanger.

"Dayum." D started. "Can't have Snape, being jealous up in hurr. I saw his mind, he wants your bod, shawty."

"AIIGHT I'll TAKE BOTH OF EM!"

"Well, since you gave my dear homie happiness, I think I'll take care of the rest of the wishes, too, foo!" D smiled, closing his eyes, tats on each eyelid of mary mother of krunk.

"Nameless, I grant you the name "Kickass-cool-mother-EFFA. Or Kg for short." Kg smiled, wondering what her full name would look like on her report card.

"Poker face." she breathed. "I love it. Dawg."

"Paego, I grant you to no longer be a freak. You'll just yell ALL THE TIME!"

"NO WAY! THIS IS SO COOL! NOW I WON'T HAVE TO LIVE WORRYING ABOUT PEOPLE NOT HEARING THE CLIMACTIC PART OF MY SENTENCES! FREE WILLY!" SHE SCREAMED!

"What?" Mathias asked, glancing at the screaming girl.

"I DUNNO, BUT YOU WOULDN"T OF HEARD THAT LAST TIME!" SHE LAUGHED!

"Aiight... anyway... Mathias, I grant you the knowlege that you couldnt be any better. That no matter what, it will be a perfect surprise. I'm sure of it." D winked at Mathias, creeping him out in a good way.

"NOW TO GET HOME! NIMBUS 2000! Just kidding, I wouldnt do that to you. Just tap your heels together and say, 'YO YIGGITY HOMIE DAWG, I WANNA BE THERE!' Three times. Or, to be short, 'she lick me like a lollipop'" D spoke magically. "Oh. And you must'nt forget to close your peepers."

"What, sir?" Rollin piped in. "What are peepers?"

"Thats a question to ask your parents, Rollin."

"YOU ARENT THUG ANYMORE!"

"Nah, I'm still more hood than any gansta in this place."

"WOAH. I'm pretty sure, you're gonna get expelled." Rollin gasped.

"I CAN'T GET EXPELLED, I'm THE EXPELLER, BIIITCH!" D laughed. "No close your eyes!"

The 3 kids closed their eyes. Lydia walked out the door with a teenage boy's hand coiled around her waist and an adult creepy guy holding her pinky finger. They mumbled something about "making potions" and skipped off. If that's alright with her. (It is.)

In harmony, they all sang, like Lil Wayne lovers would,  
"she lick me like a lollipop" well, paego screamed that with kg,

while Mathias finished "homie dawg I wanna be there!"  
all the whille Dumble D did some fancy wand work, and got them home.

"Wow," they said sitting in the walgreens parking lot. "kg, you're wearing real clothes. I mean, you don't look like a skank at all!"

"YOU LOOK LIKE A... LIBRARIAN!"

"I feel like one too. SHHHHH!"

"Hey, Kg, You cast a spell on me." Mathias said.

"THEY ARE SKIPPING INTO THE SUNSET! LEAVING ME HERE! ALL ALONE! AND I DON'T KNOW HOW TO WHISPER ANYMORE! HOW CAN I ACTUALLY EVER ENTER A LIBRARY! I CAN'T!!!!!! I CAN'T ANYMORE!!! AND IF I TALK IN MY SLEEP, I WAKE MYSELF UP!"

Paego screamed at the cashier.

"ALRIGHT I GET IT! Do you seriously want to buy this gum or not?!"

"NO I HAVE BRACES! I THOUGHT IT WAS TOOTHPASTE! WHAT THE HELL! EVERYTHINGS GOING WRONG IN MY LIFE!"

An old gangster appeared around the next aisle, mumbling:

"Aiight. now... I really wanna buy these fuggin dove chocolates and fuzzy socks. but i seriously, wanna kill someone with my bandana. represent."

Paego stood. shaking with fury. "I'D RATHER WHISPER!!!!" she jumped at the old rapper, taking him down.

"THIS MEANS GANG WAR!"

the end.

If you made it through, I thank you :) sorry for all the errors in grammer... uhm. It was late. If you have any questions (once again, sorry for all the inside jokes) just review. This is really just a funny story me and my best friend and sister made up on the spot. Hope you enjoyed it. 


End file.
